I’ve learned that life has two tried-and-true maxims: 1. There’s no sex in the champagne room, and 2. There’s no sex in the champagne room (it’s the sort of thing that bears repeating). And that’s it. Everything else is pretty much a crapshoot.
But listen, I’m an optimist. I believe that when a strip club’s door closes, the window to a vibrator-stocked hotel room opens. A case in point: These six South Beach hotel rooms are replete with all of the right tools for closing the deal. Lap dances are entirely optional.
Vintro Hotel and Kitchen
The Scene: First, this place is a bit off of the beaten path. It’s a remodeled 1930s “jazz baby” set on a shady canal a couple blocks off of the main Collins Avenue strip. Second, there’s nothing quite like a portrait of a fully nude woman with her lady bits spread over the main lobby bar to let you know what’s up, so to speak.
The Tools: A shower with a floor-to-ceiling glass panel nestled cozily against a queen-sized bed. It’s kind of like a peep show, but without all of the annoying build up.
The Scene: Ah, the W. No introduction needed. You’d recognize its “Whatever, Whenever” service anywhere.
The Tools: The massive walk-in showers with jets strategically placed to hit your head/neck area and other key spots that are decidedly below the belt. Which is to say, you can achieve some pretty spectacular heights flying solo here. Because if you want something done right, do it in a bathroom with strategically placed jets and start thinking about Jon Hamm’s generously endowed … feet. Or something.
The Scene: If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be so insanely loaded that V. Stiviano takes her ginormous visor off at your request, then this is the hotel for you. This restored 1938 hotel has a zen-like, Far East vibe that’s enhanced by Burmese teak, Indonesian bronze and dark gray bricks salvaged from historic Shanghai buildings.
The Tools: A tub built into the living room of your suite with easy access to the adjoining bed. Let that sink in for a second.
Image courtsey of The Setai
Kaskades Suites at Gale South Beach
The Scene: A secluded all-suite spread with one of the biggest rooftop hot tubs in the good ol’ US of A. Skinny-dipping in that bad boy around 2 a.m. is practically your civic duty.
The beds in these suites have been infused with chamomile. Meaning you can drop the phrase “it’s tea time” during a dinner date, like discrete sexual napalm
(h/t, Mr. Mayer). Also, you’ll find in-ground Japanese soaking tubs situated in the private balconies of the first floor suites. So, yes––reserve a first floor suite.
Image courtesy of Kaskades Suites at Gale South Beach
The Standard Spa, Miami Beach
The Scene: It’s like hipster/yogi summer camp here. But don’t let that deter you. There’s something magical about the plunge pool, the private nooks with swings and the wooden deck overlooking schools of dolphins cavorting about in the bay. You might call that magic “romance.” I call it … Lisa Frank.
The Tools: Where do I start? The clothing-optional mud baths? The Turkish hammam that invites you to hose down and scrub a scantily clad co-conspirator? The “Wet” rooms outfitted with outdoor bathtubs encircled by translucent curtains? Oh, by the way––definitely book the “Wet” room.
Image courtesy of The Standard Spa Miami Beach.
The Miami Beach EDITION
The Scene: The Miami Beach Edition is one of the newest entrants in the South Beach hotel scene. The whole place just buzzes with sex appeal, from the gold-and-marble-columned lobby to its Studio 54-inspired nightclub, Basement Miami. Check out the club’s bowling alley and get a glimpse of its bowling balls, which are adorned with fully nude female portraits (70s porn style, if you get my drift).
The Tools: Your swanky digs come equipped with an outdoor plunge pool overlooking the ocean (that’s the premier bungalow) and a minibar stocked with an intimacy kit, complete with an assortment of condoms. Oh yes––variety truly is the spice of life.
Jackie Gutierrez-Jones is a born-and-raised Miami native who works as a freelance lifestyle writer and editor for a variety of publications. When she's not putting ink to digital paper, you can find her bogarting the nearest bottle of champagne while simultaneously chasing after her toddler.
Header image courtesy of W South Beach