One might get the impression that romance is dead here in Los Angeles, but all you cynics are merely looking in all the wrong places. You see, we’re so close yet so far from Las Vegas that just the right amount of kink spills over into LA. Here, our morning commutes take us past bright pink vans promising inexpensive topless maids, but on the other hand, the Topanga Overlook is always there for a PG late night canoodle with that special someone.
Fortunately for you, my good people, hotels in Los Angeles offer some sexy hot packages that range from sweet to cheeky and then all the way back around to seedy … but, you know, in a classy way.
Ink & Stay
Hotel Erwin
Venice, $$$
Some packages here include surf lessons, private car services, and boardwalk tours on Segway. Choose your own adventure, but you’re on your own when it comes to fending off the dudes on the boardwalk trying to hand you “free” mixtapes. Hotel Erwin’s best package, however, is one you’ll never be able to forget. Literally. Not without the help of painful lasers, anyway. But hey, tattooing your boo thang’s initials on your inner thigh can be awfully romantic. The Ink & Stay package includes $100 toward a tattoo at local parlor Black Rose, a bottle of lubriderm for aftercare, and a bottle of tequila to celebrate ... or numb the pain. Enjoy the latter at their incredible rooftop bar that’s perfect for watching the sunset … just be sure to keep your fresh ink out of direct sunlight for a bit.
Deets: Approx $400 per night; More HERE
Images courtesy of @hotelerwin
No Tell Room
Farmer's Daughter HotelFairfax, $$
The name of this special really doesn’t mess around, but Farmer’s Daughter make it easy for their guests to do just that. Stick around drinking until midnight at the Fairfax district hotel to unlock the “No Tell” room, a special room package that include the ultimate in cheesy sexiness, a mirrored ceiling. You know, just to make it easier for you and your guest to exchange winks while you lay side by side reading your bibles. Other packages, like the “Knockin’ Boots” package basically prod you to get it on by including custom panties, champagne to get the ball rolling and lemonade for rehydration after. Don’t forget about the “Do It” kit with condoms and “pleasure jelly.” We think they might be hinting at something here … no?
Deets: Approx $250 per night; More HERE
The No Tell Room
Images courtesy of @farmersdaughterhotel
Rock ‘N Roll Suite
Hotel Shangri-La
Santa Monica, $$$
If you prefer your sex a bit more on the subtle side, well then fine, you prude. Santa Monica’s storied art deco hotel is all sexy sophistication. A recent $30 million refurbishment only enhanced the good looks of this architecturally classic structure. Between the soft curves of the windows and archways and hard right angles of the well defined, chevron style hardwood floors, the Shangri La is a sensual experience in itself. The Rock ‘N Roll suite features a huge California king bed with a studded leather headboard. Officially, the room is meant to sleep two, but let’s face it: there’s a reason they mention that the marble, multi-jet shower accommodates up to six people …
Rock ‘N Roll Suite: Approx $600 per night; More HERE
Poolside at Shangri-La. Image courtesy of @karincohen3
Rock 'N Roll Suite. Image courtesy of Hotel Shangri-La
Romantic Coastal Comfort
The Fairmont Miramar Hotel & Bungalows
Santa Monica, $$$
Despite the suggested sixsome above, we know that you’re really a romantic at heart, so why not just own up to it? The Fairmont aims for the sweet spot with their Coastal Comfort package. Including a luxury room with chocolate dipped strawberries on arrival, dinner for two at FIG Restaurant, and two tickets to the Santa Monica Pier ferris wheel so you and your sweetheart can watch the sunset. Follow that up with breakfast in bed, and we can all collectively “awww,” both in relaxed contentment and relief that you aren’t (always) a total pervert. Besides, we all know that your significant other isn’t going to go for all those extra people in the Rock ‘N Roll Suite shower anyway—so you might as well behave yourself. For a little while, anyway.
Deets: Approx $529 per night. More HERE.
Image courtesy of @cfdavila
Image courtesy of @figrestarauntsantamonica
Pretty Woman for a Day
Beverly Wilshire Hotel
Beverly Hills, $$$$
We could get into a whole thing about the idea of living out a fantasy of being a high class escort, but let’s just roll with it, OK? The famed Beverly Hills hotel offers up a package for the kinkster with a heart (and wallet) of gold. Getting squeaky clean in the bathtub of the Pretty Woman suite is just the beginning. After that, it’s all the Julia Roberts cosplay you can handle as you get privately styled and then taken for a shopping trip on Rodeo (in a Benz, yo), treated to a barefoot picnic in the park a la the movie, and then end the night at the LA Opera. As for what this runs you, it’s one of those “If you have to ask…” deals. One thing is for sure, though: this package is much sexier than the Erin Brockovich one they offer at the Days Inn.
Deets: Packages range from $15k to $100k. More HERE
Images courtesy of Four Seasons
Need more recs for the hottest hotels in Los Angeles? Check into these:
Bill Burman is a writer and producer. He makes jokes about tacos @tacosandjokes
Header image courtesy of Hotel Erwin
